Reminder - there are people on this Earth who live exclusively for the feeling of power. A power over other people, a sense of control which they lack in their own personal and inner life (as many other essential things). It's been a long time since I've experienced a true attack on the spirit. I'm humbled by it and grateful for it cause I'm reminded again not to take for granted myself and all the healthy relationships I cherish in my life.
These are some of the basic methods the power craving individuals love to use to bruise a human spirit they find inconvenient to their agenda:
- gaslighting - making you question what has really happened - a ''gaslighter'' tells the story involving your presence. Involving You. It's usually denial and distortion of what really happened, but repeated so many times with such confidence that the one who's being gaslighted starts to question if the lie really was true. With the false version, the abuser wants to seriously disturb and confuse a person's perception, and sometimes to win over the possible audience.
- shaming - be it in a very open manner, or wrapped in good intentions, people who shame others tend to put focus on both psychological and physical aspect of the targets' being - how you appear, talk, dress, express yourself. They will focus on something they sense might trigger you, because humiliation is their mere aim. If it happens in a more personal environment, it's more of a aggressive and direct one-on-one interaction. On the other hand, in more professional environment, it could be shaming in front of a certain audience, wrapped in false good intentions and professional evaluation. But it's always, and I mean always personal, never truly related to solving actual problems and challenges.
- ghosting - this often happens when a target seems distant, reserved or unbothered. Person who tries to gain power over a group of people, or a person, might voluntary choose someone to be excluded from the daily occasions/events. It might be friendly group gatherings, online group chats, professional meetings/gatherings, decision management, etc. It's made to be obvious to the person excluded and not the others, and it happens occasionally and regularly. The abuser enjoys the implemented culture of distrust and unheathy relations.
- victim playing - when threatened to be exposed in front of a relevant audience, these people turn the tables other way around while trying to bring out all the reasons why they should be the victim and present themselves as someone who had an extra hard time and therefore should be justified in all of their possible wrongs. This happens as prevention attempt or as a defense attempt. They do it so well that people who have been traumatized in their presence don't get the real opportunity to even tell their story, when the person playing the victim does it so well that their new personality is unrecognizable to the their victims.
Are you or have you been the victim?
In your home, at work, anywhere, you shouldn't be:
- physically and psychologically ill from a person's presence or at the very thought of it
- threatened to speak up
- mocked when speaking up
- questioned and tested 24-7
- over-invested in collecting written and other evidence to defend your ethic/morals
- interrupted in your doings/schedule without any consideration of your needs, timeline and situation
- exposed to public questioning and discussion, often related to individual/personal matter
- exposed to any kind of aggression, disrespecting and patronizing attitudes
- interrupted intentionally for the silent treatment
- constantly receiving orders that have no objective connection to the actual context or role division
- receiving contradictory messages and instructions repeatedly
- constantly forced to face and solve irrational demands and complaints
- monitored and stalked
- blackmailed emotionally, socially, financially, or in any kind of way
- ignored in your needs and efforts
- losing autonomy over your life over a certain person, institution or group of people
- forced to be putting aside your moral integrity
- threatened to affirm your own dignity and basically human rights
- part of the atmosphere of fear
What happens when you speak out?
Often the violator is a person in a position of power.
The smaller the community and the poorer its conditions, the more power such person holds.
A whole group usually fears the consequences, so there is often no group support or any kind of formal and informal protection. Traumatic experience is now reinforced leading a victim to a state of more fear and isolation. Especially if the violator plays the game of abusing vs favorizing, which would lead weak individuals into false sense of competence and personal success when favored over others, preferring to stay in such position instead of risking it. On the other hand, a victim might finally chose to completely get away from the violator and toxic environment, but that can cause other complications such as social status or financial issues, all depending on the exact individual situation. The violators often reclaim their righteousness by accusing or describing their victims as unstable, even mentally ill, while the victims on the other hand had been already shaken and drained by their abuse and might need professional help, which suits violator's agenda, again. A person must definitely find external and maybe personal support to protect the self and not get invested in such dangerous game these mentally deranged people create through all of their lives. A person must understand that whatever feelings come out from such abuse are normal and part of the processing of what has happened. In short, it's a human spirit abuse - a low punch. It gives spiritual high to the attacker. When understanding what is really happening here, we can protect our spirit and stay out of the hunger games if possible. Focus on You. Speak up to help.
How does it really feel?
It feels like a spiritual rape. Sometimes you get disoriented for days, kind of shaky. You might find it's hard to enjoy the life as usual and seek necessary comfort in isolation. Tears might come up in intervals suddenly, as you clean yourself from the inside. You feel as you've lost your typical courage and even identity. Good news, it's all temporary. It can last one day and sometimes it can last for years. The more you speak of it, the more you understand it, the faster you heal. Sometimes the abuse happens in such fine implicit ways that this important part of the healing becomes too hard to reach. People might not understand you or might find you overexaggerating. This is where psychotherapy and professionals might do wonders. Don't be afraid to seek for the answers and help on different sides. You deserve to get yourself out of that artificial narrative. In the end it's most important that you alone understand how the spiritual harvest functions so you can become unbothered and strong in your personal truth. Your aim is not to take revenge and fall back into their hunger game. That's what they crave for, constantly. And even though the term victim has become offensive/inappropriate in such topics, I continue to choose it because being a survivor doesn't deny the fact that these empty human shells prudently, constantly and systematically victimize others. Often without any social consequences. Their victims on the other hand suffer from different kinds of consequences, while investing their precious time into simply reclaiming their natural human rights and true potential. Let's not ignore the fact people actually do get seriously ill in such dehumanizing environments.
Conclusion...
In my experience and experiences being shared with me, most of described applies to working environment - people in top charge of companies and institutions, of various fields and incomes. Young women are common targets, while the roles of the abusers apply to both men and women. Women tend to disrespect and abuse women a lot more than expected, even when equal in hidden hierarchy, while public still prefers to speak only of the men who use their position of power when crossing certain boundaries. The more frustrated, ignorant, incompetent or unstable person in charge, the more possibility of the collective suffering, regardless of the age, sex and work ethic.
We can find toxic behaviors anywhere: in intimate relationships, partnership, marriage, family relations or any groups of common interest - it's where people tend to celebrate loyalty and responsibility, but are unable to choose a simple exit if needed for their own peace and safety. In the simplest term, we could speak of cults.
What we can all do is speak out for each other and offer any kind of support. You never know where your words might bring fruit and save someone's day. We must keep spreading the knowledge of what is happening here and there. Taking care of our human rights should not be an act of bravery, but an act of sanity.
